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I clearly suffered from childhood depression. This was either caused by or was exacerbated by Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, (ADHD). Attention deficit is a misnomer. For the person with ADHD there is no deficiency in attending. Their chemical imbalance is such that they pay attention to everything! These unfortunate individuals see, hear, feel, taste, and smell every doggone thing! There is a lack of focus, but no lack in knowing what is going on around them and inside of them. It's like living inside a bubble with a couple hundred widescreen televisions blaring at full blast. A person has two choices. They both involve running. The victim of ADHD can either run away from themself, or run inside themself. They either explode or implode. Those who explode are the ones who get the most attention. Their hyperactivity is like a fifty millimeter hunk of armor piercing steel ricocheting around the room. Ignoring them is not an option. Those vicitms of ADHD who implode are adored by grown-ups. They sit quietly, rarely talk, and make every effort not to create waves. Their minds are overwhelmed with stimuli which means they are so busy inside their heads they don't have time to be busy on the outside. They are usually exhausted. Which means they are able to take a nap just about any time of the day. Unfortunately, the mental hyperactivity doesn't take the night, or the morning, or the afternoon off. The ADHD victim who implodes goes to sleep exhausted and wakes up exhausted. They quietly fade away into the night. In our nation's overloaded classrooms, children like this are easily ignored. I was depressed and suicidal, but the important thing was, I didn't cause problems.
All that to say, I was chronically depressed from the get-go. Suicidal thoughts began entering my mind during my junior high years. This period in my life was dark and oppressive. I guess I'm warning you: Don't read these pieces if you want to be uplifted! I believe it was Barry McGuire who described it as, "Down in the basement digging holes." Enough said. Have at it! |
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