Part I
page one
For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 NAS
This verse was a source of frustration for a very long time. It has become palatable in stages. To paraphrase the verse from my perspective, what it seems to be saying is: God is working from within to not only produce the desire in your heart to do what is wholesome and healthy, but to also give you the energy to do it. Hello? What’s left to do?
My problem was I had a desire, but nowhere near the energy to keep up with my desire. In hindsight, I had two desires whose boundaries blurred. My desire to serve was actually a desire to please, to impress man. What I thought was an unwholesome desire, the desire not to do all the stuff I was doing, was actually the wholesome desire God, DadMom, had put in my heart. All the encouragement to, “take up my cross and follow,” to, “turn a profit and not lose what talent I had,” to, “deny my Self,” to, “go into all the world and preach the Gospel,” to, “be perfect even as my Father in heaven was perfect,” combined with all the self-rejection, self-hatred, and self-despisement caused by my faulty attachment experience years pretty much established a course which would turn me into a little black cinder. And, it did.
I was a tad bit gullible in my early years and was given to believing pretty much everything I had heard as a child, a teenager, a young adult and a nearing middle aged old man. In response to all this teaching, I was, the teen’s Sunday school teacher for a period, the primary boy’s Sunday school teacher for the balance, Director of Youth Ministries with Sunday evening and midweek responsibilities, Sunday school superintendent, Vacation Bible School Director, Conference Delegate, and of course a standing member of Church Board; all this along side being newly married, a new father and an elementary school teacher. All this was demanded of a person who failed speech in college, was nauseously terrified of being in front of people and masochistically self-critical.
What I was unable to realize was; this verse is as true in the negative sense as it is in the positive sense. DadMom, God, not only places in your heart the desire to do, but the desire not do, also, in which case they give you either the energy to resist doing or the energy to do. My desire to please people, at least not to disappoint them and perhaps to look good in front of them, was so strong it over-ruled my desire to simply say, no.
It seemed to me the structure DadMom uses to achieve this extraordinary objective is quite simple. Whether the objective is producing the desire to do, or not to do, every time the person comes to the point of having to respond, if the wholesome response is made, then the energy is there, also. If the unwholesome response is made, there is pain, the struggle continues and you can bet your bottom dollar you will get another opportunity to respond. When the ouch gets big enough, the desire to either do, or not do, is big enough to push you over the edge, and at that point, the energy is there. It’s kind of messy and horribly unromantic, but it does the job. Most everybody has heard the phrase; pain is man’s greatest teacher. Eventually, my life was so out of balance, I fell apart, and sure enough, I had the energy to say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
In my case, the desire not to do all those things was there big time. DadMom had placed within me the desire not to do what man had convinced me I needed to do. I was in sensory mode. Ever faithful, DadMom had their hand on my shoulder calmly telling me, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. But, man was performing the sin, guilt-trip and shame dance and chanting, do it, do it, do it. I’m afraid man wins the big-mouth contest. I did it till I collapsed. Finally, the pain produced sufficient energy to fulfill the desire DadMom had placed in my heart. I told man to shove off and threw myself into MotherFather’s warm, protective, womb. It was the first breath in a dynamic trust relationship with my DadMom; a relationship I have come to relish.
People I come in contact with that have some understanding of my spiritual life have a tendency to view me as either crazy or incredibly audacious. I’m probably both, but DadMom Loves me, so who cares.
A more controversial understanding of this verse has drifted in upon me over the last ten or so years. A few lines back, I responded, Hello? What’s left to do? It is a rhetorical question assuming the answer, Nothing.
Stop reading, now, and just listen. If it helps, close your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears. Listen.
No, don’t start reading just yet. Think about it…………………………...
That’s right. The Creator is doing it all. We are not in control. The Creator is in control, has always been in control and will always be in control. Let me risk redundancy, we-are-not-controlling-the-action. DadMom is controlling the action. DadMom is causing us to want to do what is healthy and wholesome, and then giving us the energy to do what is healthy and wholesome.
Of course, since our reality is the functioning of MotherFather’s Equation, and since MotherFather created the Equation, our unhealthy behaviors and unwholesome behaviors are what MotherFather planned for us to be doing. Go figure! Pendulums will never comprehend time, cars on the assembly line will never understand why they have to endure so many painful spot-welds, and the created will never comprehend the Creator.
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